Herpinī Humor Tips

Read these 17 Herpinī Humor Tips tips to make your life smarter, better, faster and wiser. Each tip is approved by our Editors and created by expert writers so great we call them Gurus. LifeTips is the place to go when you need to know about Reptile tips and hundreds of other topics.

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What do you get when you cross a snake with a Lego set?

Q: What do you get when you cross a snake with a Lego set?

A: A boa constructor.

   

Why did the two boa constrictors go out on a date?

Q: Why did the two boa constrictors go out on a date?

A: Because they had a crush on each other.

   

How can you revive a snake that looks dead?

Q: How can you revive a snake that looks dead?

A: With mouse-to-mouth resucitation.

   

What's the nicest thing about venomous snakes?

Q: What's the nicest thing about venomous snakes?

A: They've got poison-ality!

   

What do you get when you cross a snake and a bird?

Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a bird?

A: A feather boa.

   

What is a snake's favorite dance?

Q: What is a snake's favorite dance?

A: The mamba!

   

Why should you never trust a snake?

Q: Why should you never trust a snake?

A: They always speak with a forked tongue.

   

What kind of snake belongs on your windshield?

Q: What kind of snake belongs on your windshield?

A: A viper.

   

Why can't cobras do math?

Q: Why can't cobras do math?

A: Because they aren't adders.

   

What do you call a polite snake who works for the government?

Q: What do you call a polite snake who works for the government?

A: A civil serpent.

   

What do you get when you cross a snake and a trumpet?

Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a trumpet?

A: A snake in the brass.

   

What do you call a reptile that sits on the computer screen?

Q: What do you call a lizard that sits on the computer screen?

A: A monitor lizard.

   

Why don't snakes like being weighed?

Q: Why don't snakes like being weighed?

A: Because they have their own scales.

   

Why did the python cross the road? (bad joke)

Q: Why did the python cross the road?

A: To eat the chicken on the other side.

   

Special snakes for sale (joke)

Buying expensive snakes from breeders that are supposed to be heterozygous for this trait or that can turn out to be a real nightmare. I have seen what looked suspiciously like freshly wild caught snakes being sold at high prices as "het for" something. This prompted me to write the following ad:

For Sale: a litter of baby cornsnake vipers that are het for legs, double het for wings and triple het for fur! They are bargain priced at only $5,000 each. They look a lot like normal cornsnakes but really they are rare cornsnake vipers from the Ituri forest that have evolved to mimic cornsnakes so that people will import them and keep them as pets. They are all venomoid, too.

The seller of these snakes is obviously het for your wallet, and anyone who buys one must be het for retard.

Send me your money now to reserve the pick of the litter! The first five people to send me $5,000 also get a free tadpole. The tadpoles are very special; their father was actually a prince, so they are het for royalty.

   

Knock, knock. Who's there? Snakeskin.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Snakeskin.
Snakeskin who?
Snakeskin bite, but we'd rather run away.
-- Bailey

   

What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a computer?

Q: What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a computer?

A: A mega-bite.

   
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